Cerulean Thoughts.

I have not seen the inside of a bar in months. Alcohol has become so alien to me, that during Sinulog, a few shots of gin had me singing and dancing like some virginal high school kid on his first drinking binge. My friends have become so used to me declining invitations for parties, night outs, drinking sprees that they've altogether stopped texting me, except for the occasional "Are you still alive?" text. My Friendster, Facebook, Multiply, and Myspace accounts are gathering dust and cobwebs. So are the blogs I used to keep and religiously update. I rarely go anywhere on my own, not even to Ayala or SM or even the nearest sari-sari store. I can't send or reply to text messages without them being scrutinized first. In fact, I can't do anything without asking permission. Period.

Am I in some sort of crazy, super-strict boot camp for 20-somethings with no direction in life, you ask? Have I decided that the real world is much too tedious and decided to quit it altogether and become a hermit instead? Have I found Nirvana in the hands of hundreds of pirated DVDs and 90s books I've stacked over the years and have just come to appreciate?

The answer is YES, but only for the last part. Pirated DvDs, Angela's Ashes, and fantasy novels have become part of my daily life. Just now, I am discovering that Ned Pace of Pushing Daisies is cute, and I'd like to be Kristin Chenoweth's BFF, if she'd have me. For the first two speculations, I'm glad to say that No, I'm not in some boot camp, and No, I have not given up on life no matter how much it sucks sometimes, or people no matter how douche-y some can be.

The simple answer is, I'm just in love.

I know it's cheesy. It's a cliche to the nth power. But it's the truth. I have sacrificed the life I used to live, alienated the people I call friends, given up on things I used to enjoy, for love. Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it. I know I'm missing a lot. I'm not young, and if I didn't get out there and go wild, I'd regret it. I miss my friends terribly, but they've assured me that they understand. I'm sure they said that when they thought this was a one month affair. Seeing that we've lasted seven months (and counting), they've given up on trying to coax me out of hiding.

The thing is, I actually like it. I like it that he tells me EXACTLY what he thinks or feels. He tells me EXACTLY what he expects from me. He says, "From now on, you'll have to stay away from bars, drinking, all that sh*t. No more chatting, no more textmates." He only allows me to go out when he's with me or if it's very important. The best part is that he keeps his end of the bargain. What I can't do, he makes sure he never does, too. Our lives revolve around each other, and our families. This is a far cry from my relationships of yore. I'm not saying they were bad, only that focus seemed to be more on fun and freedom, not each other.

The truth is, I feel that this is what I need. I know it's much too Stockholm syndrome sounding, or whatev. But I feel that he is a good influence on me. He's very responsible, smart, caring, firm. And I badly need responsible, smart, caring, and firm in my life right now. I need to know where I'm going, and he's actually helping me get there.

I'm aware that part of this need to always be aware of each other is due to insecurities, fear of loss, and other things that try new relationships. I'm confident that the time will come that we'll both outgrow this. From this experience, we'll emerge confident and sure of each other's love.

I don't know if one day, I'll wake up with a broken heart, and one sore ego, having given up a whole LIFE just for him. But I won't regret it. Because of him, I realized I can love this way, with everything that I am, and have. It's a pretty humbling lesson for someone who thought that he's got "loving" in the bag.

I am so tired of this.

Single on Christmas Eve. Nothing can be more excruciating than this. And the break-up just mere days past. The timing couldn't be more perfect. Here I am, forced to exude happiness and good cheer to everyone around me, when I just want to curl up and pretend that nothing else exists.

Stop.

I think I'm way over the melodramatic moi. I don't really feel the urge to spill my heart out online anymore, to be dissected, analyzed, commented upon by friends, or just anyone who happens to read my thoughts. However helpful it is (and yes, it does help to get a wake-up call), I'm just not up to it anymore. I don't know if his leaving brought it or it's just a sign of old age (mine), but for now, no details regarding my heartache. Only rants that it should coincide on the day I should be most happy.

That being said, I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I think I can summon enough strength to put on a happy Christmas-y face for my family and friends. I hope none of you is (are?) going through the same thing, or worse. In fact, I fervently wish that all of you feel so happy, so contented, so at peace with life, so loved today because knowing that makes me happy, too. Honestly. :)

And if ever YOU read this, I just want to say that it was great while it lasted. You have been one of the best things that happened to me EVER, like in the history of my life. ^^ Take good care of yourself. I wish you all the best. As for me, I think you already know what my Christmas wish is. :)

End of Transmission.

Obviously, these are personal questions/thoughts that have been bothering me for a while now. I love my boyfriend, yes, but we have issues. And the way I/we deal with our issues seems to be ineffective. I can't seem to think straight, or look at our problems in a different light or from another perspective. I have just been so out of touch recently. All my time is spent with my guy, and I sometimes feel disconnected with the world. So I need some help. Maybe just some insights from y'all would do. Thanks.

1. Should you always ask your partner's permission when you go out/meet friends/etc?

2. Does your partner know your passwords (ie Multiply, Friendster, LJ etc) and if not, would you give it if he/she asked? Do you check each other's phones?

3. Do you see each other everyday? If physically impossible, do you see each other as often as you can?

4. If your partner isn't out (or assuming you're straight, if your partner hasn't told people about your relationship), should you be bothered?

5. In relation to number four, if he/she asks you to wait until he/she can muster some courage to go public, would you? How long would you wait?

So, I gotta give props to my friend 0821 for making my day a bit more interesting. I rarely do these things but I found this one fun and cute. Hahaha. Give it a try, y'all. :)


1. Next to each number, write only the name of the person who fits. (couldn't help to put in some comments :c sorry meme gods)
2. Answer one question with one name.
3. Don't tell the questions to anyone who isn't doing the meme.


1. tatsu_kun
2. i_am_only_human.
3. wolf007
4. _0821, OMG, she can even be president, for sure.
5. aryanvsaryan.
6. tatsu_kun. ugh. so twisted, bb.
7. moki
8. asthenos
9. firemaplesong
10. _0821 lol. wut?
11. aryanvsaryan
12. elevatoring
13. thatalexguy so cute. :)
14. i_am_only_human work it.
15. i_am_only_human two in a row? you know you laveettt, bb.
16. devomatt but he can be the opposite, i guess.
17. _0821 ^^
18. skewerbiatch
19. skewerbiatch
20. jeub you know it. :p
21. skewerbiatch i'm just guessing that this is what it means.
22. lost_at_12pm still guessing here.
23. my boy totally owns me. i am pwnd for layyyffff.
24. asthenos *goes into hiding*
25. lost_at_12pm because i think he's that kind of guy. :p
26. _0821 girls? easy. :p
27. enamoured for real.
28. tatsu_kun because he will totes bring it.
29. seriously? firemaplesong *blush*
30. intrigued yet? :p message me for the questions. you know you want to. ;)

I am such a noob when it comes to tech stuff, so imma need your help here. How do I remove that swimming lady from my page?! How do I change the background?! What the hell is CSS?!

I am actually loving the page itself, and the font and all that. But I don't need that girl in my life (the swimming lady I mean). Sigh. 

 

Please help me. :c

Yes, after six looooong, horrible days of Internet withdrawal, I'm back. Unintentional, rest assured. I did not decide to just drop off the face of the Internet world all of a sudden. Globelines just f*cked up my connection so bad. I mean, six days to get it fixed? Dude, where else but with Globe does that even happen? I should've gone with the PLDT plan or something.

Obyusly, I'm not in such a good mood as I'm writing this. Aside from still not getting over Globelines' messing up my Internet life, I had a fight with my boy. *sigh* I dunno. He already apologized but I told him not to text and it's hell. Pride is something I'm very familiar with, though, and humility has never been one of my best traits. So here I am, hurt, depressed, sad, knowing I could make things easier by sending just one text message, but my hands are frozen. I just can't. I'm such an a**hole this way. 

But anyway, to get on with  my post, the past week has been a rollercoaster ride, filled with highs and lows. More lows than I really care to admit, but nothing really "heartbreaking." For those who care to know, read on. Not much pleasantness and I'm not writing in my usual "giddy/happy/crazy" way, so it might not make for a fun, even coherent read. But whatev. Here goes:

1. I found out that an abomination, surely something spawned in the depths of Hell, called "Lipgloss", (supposedly based on my untouchable, totally awesome current addiction/obsession, "Gossip Girl") is airing on Philippine television.

Until now, the memory of seeing the YouTube clip of their promo and first episode makes me want to cry, laugh, and throw a bitch tantrum all at the same time. It is SO BAD, it makes me want to go to Manila and chain myself to the gates of the effing network airing the show in the hopes that they would STOP INFLICTING the show on us, or me lang if I'm the only one who hates it, which I think is far from likely. YES. THAT BAD. Why, you ask? The reasons are so many, I don't even know where to start. The casting is so wrong, and all of them need to go back to acting workshops a hora mismo. That Magalona chick as Serena?! That Mikee guy as Chuck!? WTF? The girl patterned after Blair has some potential though. She's pretty and does look like Blair in some angles. But she can't do bitchin' like Blair does. Do we even have an Upper East Side? Do kids in elite schools really have a "Face of the First Day of School" contest, whatever that is? The settings are poor, the direction is terrible. There is just no air of elegance, of posh in the show whatsoever. I'm going to stop now or else my heart will burst. Basta, see it for yourselves guys, especially those who love GG like me. Then rant.

2.  We've reached one month.

 He gave me this huge heart-shaped pillow which I love and a  cute card. I gave him a shirt. The gifts do not really matter, though. It just feels amazing that we've been going out for a month now, but I feel like we've been together for years. We see each other EVERY DAY, without fail. Hai. I hate it when we fight though. It makes me feel so vulnerable, clueless, weak. I dunno.  I almost broke up with him, but that's another story and one I don't want to get into, much less remember. It was that painful. I just hope I get over this "paranoia" thing, the trust issues soon. I don't know how long I can hold out. It's just so unfamiliar to me now, starting over.

3. I have not gone out to drink/dance/party in the past few weeks. Yes. Really.

An achievement, I would say. I think the last time I had alcohol in my system was during the Company Outing. Funny, though. I don't feel the need to get out. I'm perfectly happy staying at home, spending time with my boi. This is not normal behavior for me. Usually, I would ditch anyone for the prospect of a fun night out with friends. Since he came, I've been content. He's everything I want in a guy. Smart, funny, affectionate, sexy. Hahaha! Why the hell would I want to get out of the house pa? ^^

But we're fighting. :( *sigh*

 

4. Finally caught up with my reading, at last. Now, I don't feel intellectually starved or something.

So, my boi lent me a lot of awesome, awesome books I haven't read (A Million Little Pieces, Angela's Ashes, Good Omens, Mattimeo and a dozen more). Thank God. Before he lent me the books, I was feeling a wee bit uninspired, dumb, artistically and intellectually barren. Reading books always get my creative juices running, makes me eager to do things, start things. So thanks for my boi for his great books (and he's got taste, too). Now, I feel more at peace with myself. I'm even beginning to write stuff now. ^^

But we're fighting. :( Hay.

5. Gossip Girl is back,  bitches.

I suggest the peeps over at the network airing the utterly terrible "Lipgloss" start watching GG NOW to see how it's really done. I am so addicted to this show that I even check their Nielsen ratings. Glad to say that the second season premiere debuted with the highest ever number of watchers in the history of GG. Although still a small number, I hope it grows and grows. I just love this show SFM! :)

 

That's it. I told you it wasn't that good a read, my post. But anyway, hope you guys had a good, if not a better week. :) This week isn't looking too good for me, what with all this fighting, and the Lipgloss still on air, and shit. *sigh* What should I do to get out of this funk?

 

i expect too much from you. it's my fault, anyway. unlike you, i can't love in pieces. it's all or nothing for me. i am too aware of how this is both my downfall and my saving grace. in loving like this, being hurt is inevitable. maybe i should learn the trick, though, of knowing how and when to quarter my time, my life, my heart. that way, i can feel no guilt if i do something that might hurt you or make you feel worried or sad. it certainly works for you.

I haven't updated for a while, because 1) nothing of interest has happened lately, 2) I rarely write when I'm not depressed, emo-ish or whatever (which is a good thing, since this means that I am tres happy ^^) and 3) my computer has been acting up for a couple of weeks, and when  it got fixed, Globelines decided to eff up the connection in the whole Visayas and Mindanao. -_- Thus, my absence from the cyberworld. This is just to tell my friends here (Daph, Hance, and the others who cared to check, hehe) that I am still alive and kicking. :p

So. A quick update. As mentioned, I'm happy with the way things are going with my life. I'm still in love. With the same guy. Who's awesome. Who loves me back. Which is awesome. Hehe. Of course, as in any budding relationships, there's always the trust issues, the paranoia (ok, so this might just be me) and all the other crazy things, but so far, we've been able to deal with it. So that's good. Work's so-so. Sister's got a job at CVG, which is good so now she can pay the bills. Bwahahaha. ;) Haven't been sick or whatever.

Come to think of it, these past few weeks have been really good. I'm hoping this streak would last. :) I hope y'all out there are alright, too. :p

 

 

 

...isthatiloveyouinthatweirdcrazywayyoulovesomeoneyoujustmetbutfeellikeyouveknowneachotherforeverandyoujustwanttospendeachsecondwiththatpersonandyoufeellikeyourabouttoburstallthetimeeverytimeyouretogetherihaventfeltlikethisforthelongesttimeitfuckingscaresmethislovewhatifitsnothingbutinfatuationorwhatifitwontlastthisfeelingiaskmyselfthesequestionsallthetimeaddtothefactthatyouremotherfucking18andim24whatthefuckisupwiththatbutwhatthehellrightyoumakemefeelohsogoodandexcitedandscaredandfrustratedandlovedallatthesametimeandidontcareanymoreiknowimhurtingotherpeoplebutwhatshouldidoitsreallyyouwhomakesmewanttoshoutanddanceanddostupidthingsforicanthelpitiknowimmakingahugedecisionthatwouldchangemylifebutirealizedthatimwillingtotakethisriskjusttobewithyoujesusimscaredthough.

 

SO, my last few posts have been drenched in tears and stuff. :p I WAS/IS feeling a bit emo-ish BUT what the hell, I can't be you know, morose forever. I realized that there was no sense in feeling all down and affecting other people with it. I'd much rather spread the love, dudes y dudettes. :p

Didn't have any new pics to post and looking at the old ones got me even more depressed. I was lookin' at some old pix with friends at some clubs and couldn't believe I used to wear my hair like that. :c Hai. Hahaha. :p So this is just an update on stuff. Some new things I realized, some secrets, some lies. :) Voila!

1. I don't particularly like to listen to people speak in "Tagalog". I mean, not that I utterly depsise it, but some just sound obnoxious ba. But whenever I hear someone curse in Tagalog, I find it sexy. I dunno. It's something in the way they say "Tangina" with such fervor siguro. Bwahhaha. Weird. :p

2. Someone sang "Hands Down" to me while playing the guitar, and looking into my eyes. It was the most intense feeling/experience ever. When he sang "My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear like jewelry, whichever you prefer" I could've died. Damn it.

3. I saw Miley Cyrus' Seven Things vid and I kinda liked it. I don't like HER (I still think she's fugly as hell), but the song was kinda cute, no? And all those girls crying? Aww. :p Hahaha.

4. I saw Rihanna's new "Disturbia" vid and it was MTF'ing INTENSE, y'all. I mean, it could have been darker, but I think they were trying to appeal to the younger demo and trying to prevent some public outrage or something. But all in all, that vid was awesome! The effects were creepy, costumes were bangin', dance choreo was JUST SICK, BBs, especially the fast forward effect, i think! Be amazed here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zs09iTzN8XI

5. I'm kinda liking Secondhand Serenade, although they sound too much like  Dashboard and far too emo for my taste. I think it's mainly because I'm in a susceptible state lang that's why I'm liking their songs. :) Hehe. ^^ But they've got pretty decent songs naman.

6. I haven't had a more-than-8 hours of sleep for the past two weeks. Partly because of my semi-depression, and more because I got fast, fast Internet na sa house! Woohoo! :)

7. Basilisk is pretty cool. Thanks for the tip, Just.

8. CANT.WAIT.FOR.HELLBOY.BOW.

----

That's all for tonight folks. :)

i have forgotten this,
this riot of emotions.
feeling breathless, feeling lost.
all in the space of a
heartbeat.
anger flares as easily
as pain,
all easily assuaged by
a single touch.
nothing is gentle in this
invasion,
nothing is calculated,
there is only that sweet,
sweet moment of letting go.
of finally falling.

i look at your face and see it there, mirrored in that small smile playing on your lips.

the same contentment. the same peace. if only we had forever. if only i knew how to keep the world at bay.

 

 

I think this is the best course of action. No commitments, no expectations. I'll enjoy it while it lasts. And although I think I'm too old for new, er, interests, why not diba? Some people gani fall in love when their f*ckin 50 and above. Bahala na lang jud. Yawyaw ra ni. :p

I'm 24. My heart can't take a lot of things anymore. I have fully resigned myself to a life of domestic bliss with my (unclear, yet, but it's probably going there) ex. Now that he's said goodbye, I find myself stunned. What am I gonna do now?

The weird thing is, someone's making me happy. I don't know if I should continue it, or try to get back with my "ex". We've been through a lot, and the years we've been together are irreplaceable. The thought of starting something new, so soon, with someone else is overwhelming.

However, this other person is making me see things, feel things that I'm not sure I'm ready to experience again.

 

Ambot. I sound so calm about this, but I feel really, really, really feel scared, sad, happy, guilty, angry.  I don't know what to do.

 

I met someone.

And now, I am a complete mess.

I can't eat. Sleep. Work.

I don't believe this.

This guy is awesome in every sense of the word. He's funny (although I don't get his jokes sometimes, or I intentionally try not to get it because of its crudeness. :p), smart (he knows a dozen languages, I think and he can do huge maths in his head (ok, I made that up, but knowing him, he could PROLLY do it :p), humble (he did NOT act like a diva on his visit here, so there's that) and very compassionate (in a very blunt way and also managing to insert something shocking in his advices ^^). He can talk to you about anything and everything. No topic is off limits. He's the only guy I know who can manage to joke about super rude/weird/crazy things and still make me laugh with him. He is a good husband to our friend, Douine. He is a devoted son. He is loved by his friends. Of course, I too, love him fiercely, and so does the rest of our Posse. :) It's a testament to this guy's humility (?) and openmindedness how he so easily made us all feel at ease with him, love him, even if he's Brit. God knows how huge the chasm is between our cultures. It also merits mentioning that he is a very good, albeit dangerous dancer and that his singing skills are sensational. :p

Thank you, Daz, for being exactly who you are. When you were just an image on my computer, or a voice on the phone, I imagined someone full of life, someone so funny, and interesting, and deep at the same time. Meeting you, I was not disappointed.  Although I am older than you, you know that I look up to you. You inspire me to believe that I can do a lot more with my life. Thanks for always listening. You made my summer (of course, Douine did too, but it's not his birthday. :p). I know you, too, have some inner turmoil that you easily hide behind that disarming smile. I pray that you soon resolve this. I only wish happiness for you and a lot of blessings. :) Love ya, Dazzie. :)

Happy Birthday. :)

My mom just created a Multiply account. Now I am truly F*cked. :( I was talkin' to her yesterday and gave her a link to my site for Ada's pics (my mum is based in Manila). Next thing I know, she already created an account and invited me as "Your Mother". WTF?!

I love my mum to bits, but I do not appreciate that she knows how to navigate the web. Why can't I have a normal mum who doesn't even know where the "Enter" key is on the computer?! Hai. She even has YM, Friendster, etc, etc. OMG. :(

But all is well, since Justin said that I can actually screen the people who can view my posts (WHEW!). Although my mum is VERY open minded (whenever we go out, she actually points out the cuties for me to check out! Nyahahah!), she still nags me about posting "sensitive" pics on the net. Hai jud.

 

But still, a big, big welcome to my mum dearest. I could never ask for anyone better as my mum than you! Heheh. Of course i'm not telling who she is on my list. ;p Hahaha!

Last night, I sat down in front of my computer, let out a sigh, and typed the first few sentences of my book. Yes, I have finally, FINALLY, gotten the courage to start my project. I felt excited and foolish at the same time. Excited because I actually felt passionate about what I was doing. An eagerness that I haven't felt for years left me feeling a bit dizzy and giggly. I als felt foolish because I didn't really think I could write a book. No experience, no training, no tutor or mentor to help me, only this intense need to prove to myself that I CAN do it.  After finishing a paragraph, I stood up and got a book from a shelf and checked the number of pages it had. 284. I thought , "How the f*ck am I going to come up with things that would fill 200 pages?" It was only then that I realized the immensity of the project, of what I wanted to do. 

I am glad to say that I finished a page. One. And I am very proud of it. It may not be much, but at least, it's a step towards my goal. 

---

On another note, I'm a mess. Someone is making me feel like a stupid, awe-struck teenager.  It is not good. I am putting a stop to it, though, so rest easy.